Turn the Lights On!

Written by: Natalie Davenport

It had been a long night of tossing and turning: trying anything to fall asleep. I just couldn’t shake the unsettled feeling inside that something had to change, and it needed to change fast. I had been messing around with this masquerade of keeping sin hidden for a long time. I wondered if I had screwed up too bad for God to ever really use me again. If I talked about my hidden sin, would people reject and shun me? Would I ever really be effective in ministry again? I lived a secret life, thinking as long as no one else found out, was I really causing any harm? I thought the only person I could possibly harm, was myself.

In reality, I knew deep down inside that I was harming others. Living in deep darkness was affecting my ministry. And it was affecting my relationships with the people I was closest to. All I wanted to do was hide and be left alone.

Life around me seemed great. I had a good job and family and friends that loved me. I was traveling and leading worship like I always knew I would, but I learned how to smile and hide my true feelings. I had become severely depressed, anxious, and Pride was telling me that I had to find freedom on my own. But I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I needed help. I couldn’t live a double life any longer.

This began a journey of healing and restoration for my life. At the beginning of this year, Lynda, our fearless leader, had asked the Sanctioned Love Team for a season of fasting and consecration. How many of you know when you’re in a season of fasting and consecration, hidden things aren’t so easy to keep hidden anymore?

The next morning, after a night of restlessness, I felt a strong urging of the Holy Spirit to open up to the team. Lynda had messaged the team on our private chat group to be vulnerable and ask if anyone needed prayer in any area. To be honest, I began to feel very uneasy, knowing that if I didn’t cry out for help now, I probably never would. It was the perfect opportunity. At that moment, I bared my heart wide open to the team. I left no rock unturned and brought to light everything that had been secreted. What seemed like what would have been the scariest thing in my life, actually turned out to be the moment I felt most accepted. I wasn’t shunned. I wasn’t belittled. They didn’t call me a sinner. I wasn’t rejected. Instead, I was lovingly embraced. The team spoke over me how God sees me. I’m a daughter of the King, and there was nothing I could do to make God love me less. There was nothing I could do to make the team love me less. It was my chain-breaking moment, my starting point in becoming free.

Shame is a weird deal. Shame tells you that you are worthless. Shame causes you to hide and feel undeserving of love. But guilt cannot live in the light. When you bring darkness into the light, the light wins every time! Light dispels the darkness. Light removes the shame and leaves no place for it to survive.

I had found that I needed a great deal of accountability in walking into my freedom. As I said, the bearing of my heart was just the starting point for me. God can bring complete deliverance in a blink of an eye. Other times, He asks us to walk through a process with Him, to build character and perseverance for things He has for us in the future. I wouldn’t trade the process of walking into my freedom for an easier way out. Yes, it was hard to stay accountable and fess up when I messed up. But I was always met with love and a calling-up to who God created me to be. Now I see how far I’ve come. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’ve walked into my deliverance, and there’s no going back. God has delivered me from shame and feelings of unworthiness. I’m living in the light, and darkness has no hold on me!

1 Corinthians 10:13 says, “ No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it.” MSG

To me, this verse is so encouraging. Yes, there isn’t any way to get around tests and temptations. But, if you invite God into the moment of testing or temptation, he promises to guide you through the process and bring you out. He will never give you more than you can handle. So for this, I am grateful: I’ve invited God into every detail of my journey, big and small, and he’s walked with me every single time. He’s been faithful to bring inner healing and restoration to the parts of my heart I felt were lost forever. My great moment of courage has led me through an amazingly hard but rewarding journey to find wholeness and freedom.