Perfect Your Love In Me

Perfect Your Love in Me

A few weeks ago, I had a bit of a health scare. I will not go into detail, but needless to say; I was freaked out. I scheduled an appointment with my doctor, but God spoke to me before I even went in. He gave me a promise to hold onto, something to keep my eyes pinned on while I waited for the results. He told me all was well. 

At that moment, I had a choice to make, am I going to live in fear, or am I going to trust God’s voice and what He told me? 

I can’t say I was perfect about trusting. There were many tears and lots of roiling in the pit of my stomach as I thought about the implications of a positive test result. So many thoughts bombarded me. “Who is going to take care of my family? I’m not ready to die; my kids are so young. I have not done everything God has called me to do yet.” 

This was a battle waged in my mind, and I had to lay it down before the Lord daily. Sometimes hourly. Sometimes by the second. 

I had a few people praying for me during that time–my husband, my parents, and my in-laws. I did not tell a lot of people what was going on. I chose to trust and lean on the people closest to me. I knew as soon as I started talking and allowing other people’s opinions to sway me from what God said, it could be rough. God already made a promise, and I was just waiting for the results to show that the physical lined up with that promise. 

During this time, I was taken to a scripture in 1 John about fear vs. love. 

Such love has no fear because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. 

1 John 4:18

I was scared; I’m not going to lie. I prayed, “God, perfect Your love in me.” I thought I had not been perfected in love. His love drives out fear, so I asked Him to help me and drive out the fear that was trying to clamp onto my heart. 

He is faithful. Now, the point is not that I got a good result. (Everything is 100% healthy as far as this issue is concerned). However, through this circumstance, God revealed pieces of my heart that I had no idea were festering. I realized I was dealing with a lot of baggage around grief. I had not fully grieved for people I had lost in the past, and God was faithful to bring (and is continuing to bring) healing into those areas. He was right by my side through the waiting. 

I have struggled with fear my entire life. As a child, I was afraid of the dark, of talking in front of people–well, of pretty much everything. I had to battle constantly to stand in faith, championed by my parents as they taught me what that actually looked like. I still had to battle in my teenage years, and public school was a battlefield in many ways. The Lord taught me how to overcome fear, leaning on Holy Spirit’s voice and presence as I walked through those halls. 

However, over recent years, I have felt like there hasn’t been a lot of battling with fear. So why all of a sudden was it rearing its ugly head again? I believe Satan was trying to bring distraction and chaos into my heart as I was getting ready to be a part of a powerful conference that the Sanctioned Love team put on this summer called, Awakening Wonder in the Families of the Kingdom. But even the fear of a positive diagnosis was not going to keep me from doing what God had placed on my heart to paint. Yes, I could have called them and backed out, but I was not going to allow the enemy to get the upper hand. God is always faithful. I did get a good report the day before the conference started, and it was confirmed on Friday night again. 

But what would have happened if I had gotten a “bad report”? God is still faithful. I am sure most of us have heard the quote: “Sometimes God rescues us from the fire, sometimes through the fire, and sometimes in the fire.” 

What does this mean? Well, in the circumstance I faced, He delivered me from the fire. All is well, and I can continue living my life for Him with purpose and passion. It has reminded me of what is important and to keep my eyes trained on Him, like Peter walking to Jesus in the midst of the storm. 

Sometimes He delivers us through the fire, meaning we have to walk through a season of testing. A diagnosis would not have been fun, but He would have been with me, just like God was with Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the fiery furnace. He walked them through that fire and would have done the same for me. 

Sometimes, He delivers us in the fire. We walk through a diagnosis, and we have faith. We pray and receive prayer, and sometimes, we win by leaving behind our earthly bodies and being reunited with Jesus in Heaven. I’ve watched this scenario several times, which is why I think I was grieving so deeply when the thought of going through it myself was a possibility. 

The question is, do I still believe God heals? Yes! Do I still believe He wants us to walk in perfect health—mind, spirit, emotions, and body? Yes! So how do I reconcile that sometimes the physical doesn’t match up with what I believe? Sometimes this world does not make sense, but I know the One who created all things, Who is in all things. I don’t know why not every person I pray for gets healed. But, I do know that God is good. 

For in Him we live and move and have our being…

Acts 17: 28a NIV

Whether I live or die, it is for Him. And nothing can take me out of His hands. 

Was this ‘health scare’ a fun thing to walk through? No. But God is faithful. He showed me where I needed to adjust my heart and lean into His love more. He brought healing to grief I did not even realize I was still carrying. He is good–in every situation. And you can bet He will never leave us. 

“The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” 

Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV

Blessings!

Nicole Boyd

Sanctioned Love