Fasting, Whose Idea Was It Anyway?!

Fasting, Whose Idea Was It Anyway?!

Sanctioned Love just finished a Pastor’s Wives and Women in Leadership Conference. Our fearless leader, Lynda Renne, heard the Father say, “I want the team to fast during her time with Him. If you are going to ask these women who are coming to the conference to sacrifice, you must go first. Have the team fast for a month prior to the conference. It must be food, and it MUST cost them something.” Each of us was to ask the Godhead individually what we were to fast.

Note key words: sacrifice and cost us.

Have you ever fasted? I mean, really fasted. Like, fasted, fasted. Jesus chose carbs and sugars for me to fast. Those are my two main food groups! So, it definitely was a sacrifice for me.

My fasting did make me more tired and a bit weaker physically. Which, in turn, made my emotions, the ones I keep locked up in a box inside my heart, a bit more “tangible.” You know the ones.

All the times my heart got injured and “I let them go,” or “I got over them,” or I said, “it’s OK,” or “I gave them to Jesus,” yet there was still “residue” left. That little piece that gets triggered when someone gets too close to a hurt.

Now, I personally thought I was doing well, but………

“Out of the overflow of the mouth, the heart speaks.”

                                                                             Matthew 12:34 RRV                                                                           (Rheyma Revised Version)

Yes, I know I quoted it backwards. But that is how my mind works. I hear myself say something that reveals what’s in my heart, and Uh oh, time to check my “heart injury box.” Make sure it is secure and locked tight.

Little did I know my fasting or my obedience or both were thinning the walls of my “heart injury box,” which was a problem. The walls were thinning, and the seams were coming apart, even though it was still locked up tight. “Things”- old injuries, old hurts, deep hurts were starting to leak out of my box, my mouth, and even my eyes. No matter how hard I tried to “shore up” my box, I could not. My usual methods, which I had perfected over the years, weren’t working.

Let me give you a visual:

Have you ever had a toilet overflow? At someone else’s house? You immediately go into “let’s hide-it mode.” You quickly grab the plunger and plunge away. No luck. The toilet is still overflowing. Then you lean over and turn off the water. This does stop the flow coming into the toilet but doesn’t stop the flow coming out. “Liquid” is everywhere! You grab towels and start sopping things up. Then you grab the toilet brush and start frantically “sweeping things” away from the door, but too late, it has already seeped under the bathroom door and is now infiltrating the hall, which has carpet! You think to yourself, maybe no one will notice. Really, Rheyma? Are you being serious right now?                                                                 

I think you got the visual.

That’s what I felt was happening inside me. Nothing I was doing was working. My emotions were leaking out, my hurts were leaking out, and I was reliving them all over again, feelings/emotions and triggers included. Worse yet, my mouth was leaking as well as my eyes. I couldn’t seem to do a thing about it. I felt like a big puddle of emotions – the ones I had “conquered.” And if not conquered, at least successfully hidden. Or at least I  thought so.

NOPE! NOPE!  and  NOPE!

God obviously saw them.

Jesus: “Why don’t you give Me the box Rheyma? The whole box, not just a hurt or two”.

Me: “Why didn’t I think of that?” Well, actually, I did. I even tried once or twice, but that was when I was operating in the flesh and in religion. I allowed the enemy to use my heart injury box to keep me hostage.

Let me repeat that.

I allowed the enemy to use my heart injury box to keep me hostage.

Me, again: “OK Jesus, here is my box. You can have the entire leaky, stinky thing”. I actually handed it to Him prophetically – like “for reals” this time.

So, what did my obedience and fasting do? It gave me freedom. Freedom from “toilet particles” I have kept hidden for years.                                 

As a very dear 80-year-old friend told me, “I find myself living more in the “now” because I don’t have time to carry around yesterday’s baggage.”

Is there a wet towel possibly hiding in the corner? Maybe, but I will kick it over to Jesus so He can deal with it. After all, He knows how to walk on water, you know!

Addendum:

Two days after submitting my blog, my heart was “injured,” pretty deeply. So, now what do I do? How do I walk this out authentically? – Jesus-ly? I have nowhere to hide my hurt now. I feel very vulnerable, very naked, and I don’t know what to do.    Like I think Adam and Eve may have felt after “snacking” on the forbidden fruit and quickly threw on some fig leaves, hoping God wouldn’t notice.

Me:  “Jesus, I’m scared. I’ve never been without “my box,” and I don’t like it.       Oh…….You want to be “my box?” Lean into You? Lean totally into trusting You? Like, take my human reasoning and my human “game-playing” off? Take my hands off the situation and don’t mope around in my pain puddle? I mean, I kind of want to mope. Not a lot, just enough for people to notice, and the one who hurt me to feel bad.”

Jesus:  “You can absolutely do that, Rheyma, but not if you want to grow in your walk with Me or see the beauty I can bring out of this situation and in this relationship.”

Me:  BIG, BIG SIGH

Jesus:  “Rheyma, why don’t you re-read the *devotional you read this morning.

Me:  “OK, Jesus. But You still know my emotions are all tied up in knots, and I don’t know how to walk this out – Right?”

Jesus:  “Yes, Rheyma, I do. Now tell Me, what did you read?”

Me:  “You said, You have established a covenant of love between You and me. You haven’t left me alone even when I don’t perceive/feel Your love. Your love is beyond logic. It cannot be discovered with my mind or by my human reasoning. Your love IS REAL. It is as real as the warmth of a blanket on a cold night. . . Your love won’t fail or diminish even when I mess up.                                                                                            You are my fierce protector. I like that word fierce, by the way. Not just strongly protects me but fiercely protects me. Can I add fiercely protects my heart? I need that right now because my heart is incredibly vulnerable and extremely hurt.                                                                                                                                        

Then You said, Abide in My love. Rest in My love. Expect to see My love demonstrated in your life Rheyma as you lean into Me. Lean hard, lean strong, and lean totally into Me. I AM your fierce protector.”

Me still:  “OK, Jesus, I receive Your love, and I speak that out loud so I can hear it, the enemy can hear it, and my heart can hear it. As I speak it out, I will intentionally lean into You. By the prophetic act of leaning my whole body into You and saying, ‘I am trusting (on-going present tense) You, Jesus, and I receive Your love.’ Then I will intentionally and continually release (on-going present tense) my hands off the situation. How? By running to You the second I start to “feel” afraid; the second I start to “feel” my hands get sweaty as my emotions tie up in knots; the second I start to “feel” like I want to control the situation, or the person; or just plain run, hide and say ‘forget it – too hard.’ I am thankful You didn’t say that in the Garden of Gethsemane Jesus. Thank You.’”

Me again:  “Jesus, did You notice that there were a lot of “feel’s” in what I just said? I’m thinking that “feel” and truth aren’t the same thing. Like maybe I have to stand against my “feelings” when my “feelings” are standing against Your truth.    Which isn’t always so easy. That is why I am going to proclaim Your truth     OUT LOUD! over myself, and my “feelings,” again and again, and again.”

Me some more:  “OK God. OK Jesus. And Holy Spirit, I will need You too. I have never traveled without my “heart injury box” for protection. Now, You three are going to be my protectors, my guides, and my safe harbor on this journey. To be honest, and I mean like really honest, I’ve never traveled this road or this far with You all.

Me: Thinking more, processing more, and chatting more with Jesus:  “Jesus, what if I don’t walk this well? This isn’t easy; I’m afraid; My heart is fearful. What if my heart gets hurt again? I don’t like feeling the hurt. It’s painful, and I want to build a new box!

Jesus: “Walk with Me, Rheyma. Tell Me all that is on your heart. You will be able to release your pain when you release your grip on the hurt.”

Me: OK, Jesus. I will lean into You and on You as strong and fully as I know how, expecting all three of You to show up and do what You do best,

.…….work SUPERNATURALLY………

So, here we go, Jesus, You, me, Holy Spirit, and Father.”

Rheyma Oosterman

*Devotional

HEAR HIS Whisper (Simmons, Rodriguez 2019)